


All I Want for Christmas is a Lap Dance

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Explicit Language, Humor, Parody, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-24
Updated: 2007-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-30 11:57:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10162550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: Draco and Hermione are forced to work together during a Christmas pageant. Everyone can see the obvious sparks, but only Fred and George are willing to do something about it. Third place winner at the GE December challenge!





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

A/N: THIS IS IN RESPONSE TO THE GRANGER ENCHANTED DECEMBER CHALLENGE. IT’S GOING TO BE A TWO CHAPTER STORY. I’VE DECIDED TO IGNORE THE FACT THAT FRED WEASLEY DIED, AND HAVE INCLUDED HIM IN THIS STORY BECAUSE I LOVE HIM. OF COURSE IT’S AU AND OOC-NESS ABOUNDS!

“I want to know why they put us in charge of this Christmas pageant!” Hermione asked to no one in particular. “If they think that Malfoy and I can work together on this for even a second without trying to murder each other, they’re delusional!”

She took a huge bite of her chicken salad sandwich, chewed with angry gusto, and swallowed. “I mean, why? Why Malfoy of all people? Isn’t it bad enough that I have to look at the asshole everyday as it is?” she said, throwing the remainder of her uneaten sandwich onto the wrapper. She then crossed her arms and sighed so hard it lifted the bangs from her forehead.

The others thought her tirade was over. Lulled into a sense of security by the brief second of silence she gave them, they were annoyed when she started babbling again.

“I hate him! He’s just going to sit there with that damn smirk on his face, saying smart-ass remarks just to piss me off, refuse to lift a finger to help, and of course that means I’ll end up doing all the work and being the jerk he is, he’ll no doubt take the credit…”

Harry, Ron and Ginny all continued eating their lunch, mentally rolling their eyes. Ever since the Minister had informed Hermione that morning that she and Draco Malfoy were to be in charge of the yearly Christmas pageant, Hermione had been in a nasty mood.

Ginny was thankful that she didn’t have to work with her. Poor Harry and Ron on the other hand, had to put up with her all day, every day- forever and ever, amen. She had turned into a stressed out, psycho bitch and they were all happy that Malfoy was the target of her anger and frustration and not them.

When Harry and Ron had first learned that Malfoy had taken up a position at the Ministry, they were shocked, but determined to not let it get to them. They were no longer children, and so decided to put their differences behind them and try to act like adults- only Hermione couldn’t do this. In fact, it seemed to them as though her hatred for him had only intensified over time.

They couldn’t have been more wrong. She didn’t hate him, and that’s why she went out of her way to make them think that she did. She found herself actually liking the bastard, much to her horror. Now, it’s not like she enjoyed his company every second of the day though. Most of the time, he was a royal pain I the ass- just like old times.

It irked her to no end that she had to share a very small office with him. Theirs were the only two desks in the room, and for eight hours a day- sometimes longer- she had to look at him, talk to him, put up with his shitty attitude and constant bragging. More than once, she thought about taking her letter opener and ramming it into his head just to get away from his continuous chit-chat.

He never shut up! Either he was complaining about having to do actual work, making fun of some new employee’s lack of fashion sense or he was going on about his sexual conquests from the night before. She hated that most of all. Why did he think she wanted to know how succulent so-and-so’s naked breasts were, or how loud he made some girl scream his name? It just wasn’t proper talk for the office.

She told him over and over to cease with the sex banter, but he just gave her that stupid smirk and accused her of being jealous. As if! Like she would ever be jealous of some simple-minded, obviously desperate woman who jumped into the sack with him just because he was rich- and a tad good-looking! No, she was not in the least bit jealous. Well, maybe a little… NO, not at all! He was an asshole, and she should hate him!

She sighed to herself, picking at the edge of the sandwich wrapper. She wondered why he just couldn’t always be an asshole. That would make it so much easier! There were times when he could down right fun and almost charming. Those times were far and few in between, but they were there. It was during those uncharacteristic moments that she found herself wondering what it would be like to sit with him in a private romantic location. How would feel to kiss him? Would it be as wonderful and passionate as she imagined?

And she did imagine it- quite often, but she would never let anyone find that out! So she pretended to despise him, thinking maybe she could fool herself into hating him like she did back at Hogwarts.

“Well, Hermione, “Ginny said, sucking her pumpkin juice through a straw. “Why can’t you just let him sit there and do nothing? What’s the big deal?”

“Yeah,” Ron added. “You know you’re going to totally take over the entire thing anyhow- you have a habit of thinking your way is the only way. You never even consider that the other person’s ideas might be better than your own.”

The look she gave him was enough to shut him up. “Well, Ron,” she said with a sneer. “Give me one example when an idea of yours was better than mine.” No answer from him. “Thought so!”

Ron shot her a hateful glare, and shoved a huge spoonful of hot pasta into his mouth, not caring that it was burning the hell out of his tongue. Ever since their botched year-long relationship ended, she had been a total jerk towards him, and he was getting pretty sick and tired of it. Someday he was going to tell her exactly what an annoying know-it-all, frigid, anal retentive, obsessive compulsive, bossy bitch she really was.

“You do know that you, Ginny and Ron are going to put on a skit, don’t you?” she said to an astonished Harry.

“Hermio…”

“I won’t take no for an answer! I need all the help I can get. Who knows how this pageant is going to end up, what with Malfoy trying to make decisions.” She rolled her eyes, and the others tuned her out as she once again went on a Malfoy bashing rampage.

Draco sat in his office, listening to the Christmas music that was being piped in. He loved Christmas; all those wonderful and deserving gifts, all that white, fluffy snow, cuddling with a sexy woman in front of a fireplace drinking wine… for some reason, that person always had the face of Granger- how very curious!

Sleigh bells ring  
Are you listening?  
In the lane  
Snow is glistening   
A beautiful sight  
We're happy tonight  
Walking in a winter wonderland

He tapped his foot, leaning back in his expensive chair, and putting his arms behind his head. He grinned at the ceiling, thinking about how much fun it was going to be to harass Granger. At first he wasn’t very excited about working on the pageant with her. After all, they already spent more than enough time together; twenty more hours a week was bordering on being hellish.

Gone away is the bluebird  
Here to stay is a new bird  
He sings a love song  
As we go along  
Walking in a winter wonderland

He hummed along to the song- which happened to be one of his favorites. Sure that Hermione would try to take over the entire project, he decided that that was not going to happen. He could be as bossy as she could, and it would definitely piss her off when he refused to do everything her way. He loved the way she looked when she was furious; all flushed, chest heaving, eyes crackling… she was almost attractive at those times- almost.

Hell, who was he kidding? She was down right delectable! The most beautiful woman on the face of the earth! Oh, yes! He desired her, but he also loved to pick on her. What they said about little boys picking on the little girls they liked was true- he was living proof of that! He smiled to himself, noticing it was almost time for her to come back from lunch. Almost torture time!

In the meadow we can build a snowman  
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown  
He'll say: Are you married?  
We'll say: No man  
But you can do the job  
When you're in town

Oh, yeah. He had some major plans for fucking with her in the coming weeks. It’s not like he had to try very hard though. For some reason, all he had to do was look at her cross-eyed and she flipped out on him. He did that sometimes; just stared at her for no reason until she couldn’t take it any longer and threw something at him. One time, she pitched a paper weight at his head. He ducked at the last second, and it hit the wall where it made a huge hole. He had looked at her, astonished.

She was leaning over her desk, cleavage showing, her hair a mess, her lips curled with fiendish glee. To Draco, she had never looked more sexy. She gave a sharp laugh and told him that next time she wouldn’t miss. Oh, yes, he absolutely loved to make her life hell.

He especially loved to cause her misery with his tales of all night sex with gorgeous women. He could tell it made her very uncomfortable when he described in great detail what he did to them. He often wondered if she was still a virgin. She had to be! She was so damn uptight all the time! What she needed was a good fuck to loosen her up a bit. Not that he wanted to be the one to do it- that would be just too (wonderful) weird.

Later on  
We'll conspire  
As we dream by the fire  
To face unafraid  
The plans that we've made  
Walking in a winter wonderland

Hermione stalked into the office, right on time. Having finished lunch, she was ready to get directly to work. Walking past Draco’s desk, she grunted when she heard him singing merrily. “What the bloody hell are you so happy about?” she snapped.

He stopped humming, and looked over at her innocently. “I heard you coming, and the very thought of being in your presence made me want to sing for joy.”

‘God he’s so annoying!’ she thought. ‘Look at him, with his feet on the desk and that silly looking smirk on his lips!’

He looked away as she stomped behind her desk and plopped herself into her chair. Deciding he wanted to infuriate her, he spun his chair around and blew kisses at her. She rolled her eyes, and started fiddling with some papers. Getting up, he went over to her neat and tidy desk, leaned over and sang to her in a surprisingly nice voice.

”In the meadow we can build a snowman  
And pretend that he's a circus clown  
We'll have lots of fun with mister snowman  
Until the alligators knock him down”

Hermione looked around in a panic, hoping that no one was out in the hall to hear him making an idiot out of himself. She jumped to her feet in shock as he slid onto her desk, his hand over his heart, batting his eyelashes and gazing at her like a love sick calf. He was very close, almost close enough to kiss. For a crazy minute, she almost leaned in and actually made a move- that is until he started singing again at the top of his voice:

”When it snows  
Ain't it thrilling?  
Though your nose gets a chilling   
We'll frolic and play”

“For the love of God, Draco! Shut up! Someone might hear you!” She shoved him hard, knocking him from the desk and sending him to the floor. She looked over the desk, and saw that he was lying on his back, smiling up at her. To her horror, he flipped over and got on his knees, singing even louder:

 

“The Eskimo way  
Walking in a winter wonderland  
Walking in a winter wonderland  
Walking in a winter wonderland”

From the doorway, came clapping and whistles. Fred and George were standing there, grinning from ear to ear.

“Encore! Encore!” They said together.

“I’ve never seen such an obvious, sickening display of love in my life,” Fred said, sticking his finger down his throat and making retching noises.

“I never knew Malfoy had such a wonderful singing voice! I was falling in love,” George said. “Look at them! They’re so adorable together!”

“Hermione, I’m shocked that you’ve kept this secret for so long! Who knew you and Malfoy were all lovey dovey!” Fred and George made loud kissing noises, pretending to make out with each other.

Hermione looked from Draco, to them, and then back to Draco, who was still on his knees. They looked at each other in horror. He jumped up, and she cleared her throat, trying to think of something to change the subject.

“Hey! I love this song!” George said, singing along to ‘Frosty the Snowman’. He stopped after one line, not knowing the rest of the lyrics. “I know my voice is not as sexy as Malfoys…” Hermione shot him a dirty look and he shut up.

“Is there something you needed?” she asked, watching from the corner of her eye as Draco swept past the twins and out the office door, mumbling something about the twins being total nutters if they thought he was in love with her.

They shrugged at Draco’s sudden departure. “We want to be in the pageant,” Fred said with a happy grin.

A smile spread across her face. “You do?” she said, rushing towards him and jumping excitedly into his arms. “Oh, I’m so happy!”

“Whoh!” Fred said, putting his arms up in the air. “I don’t want Malfoy to come back and see me feeling up his girl.” He really didn’t want her to let go, but he was afraid George would see the naked look of desire that was clearly on his face. “He might get angry.”

The smile faded and she back away. “I am not- nor will I ever be- Malfoy’s girl. He likes cheap whores with giant boobs who can’t string together two words to make a coherent thought, not women who have brains and- less than giant boobs. What you walked in on was one of his many attempts to infuriate me.”

She sat back down in her chair. “I absolutely despise him and I’m pretty sure he feels the same about me.” She picked up a folder and took out a sign up sheet. “He loves to torture me until I come completely unglued and threaten to kick his ass, that’s all. He’s a bastard and I hate him. With his stupid silky hair and his pretty eyes and that smirk…” She dipped her quill and paused, looking at the silent twins. “What?”

“Nothing,” Fred said. “Nothing at all.” He knew that look. She really was in love with Malfoy. He hoped he didn’t look too disappointed.

“Why don’t you just shag him? You know you…”

Fred gave George a small elbow to the ribs, telling him to keep his mouth shut. “Anyway,” he said, focusing on Hermione. “We have an amazing idea for the skit we want to do…”

Hermione stopped dead in her tracks, looking as mad as hell. She crossed the room in what seemed like two giant steps and slammed her hands down on the table, knocking over a container of silver glitter. “Damn it, Malfoy! I thought I said that we were putting the Christmas tree over there?”

“You did.”

“Then why is it in the corner?”

“Because I thought it looked stupid where you wanted it, and I decided to over ride your dumb decision, and put it in the corner!” he shouted.

“Well, I think it looks ridiculous there, now put it where I said!”

“No!” he said, pulling out his wand.

No?” she asked, pulling out her wand as well.

“Have you gone fucking deaf, Granger? I said NO!” He stood up suddenly, meeting her eye to eye. He was not going to back down, not ever. It was fight to the death- over a fucking tree.

She was ‘this close’ to flipping out and blasting him into next week, or better still- strangling him to death with a string of lights. The past week had been pure and utter hell. All he did was get in her way, and constantly tell her and everyone else within ear shot that she didn’t know what the hell she was doing.

So far, every order she gave was dismissed by Draco, and replaced with one of his own- which he said was better than hers. He hated the way she wanted to decorate, said the scenery was so ugly it made his eyes bleed, the costumes were grotesque and not fit for even house-elves to wear, the quality of the music made his ears run for cover up his ass… it was never ending!

They glared at each other over the table. Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and waited for all hell to break loose.

“You really don’t want to piss me off right now, Draco.”

“Oh, yeah? Why’s that?” he asked.

“Because I’m running out of room in my backyard for all the bodies.”

“You want to kill me, Granger?” he asked, his smirk starting to form.

“More than anything, Malfoy,” she said with an evil grin.

“For Merlin’s sake! Do us all a favor would you? Just snog and get it over with?” Ginny shouted from the stage. “We all know you fancy each other!”

“That’s what you’re problem is with me, isn’t it, Granger?”

Hermione cocked her eyebrow, confused. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“You want me, don’t you?” He saw the tiniest hint of panic flicker behind her eyes. He was just teasing her, but could it be that she really did want him? “Admit, it. You would love for me to lean over this table, take your angry but beautiful face in my manly, strong hands and caress your tender lips with mine.”

She quickly recovered from her shock, a devious smile blooming over her features. “You know what I think, Malfoy?”

“What?”

“I think it’s you who wants to kiss me.”

He betrayed no emotion, his face was like a stone wall. “I would rather kiss Hagrid’s humungous hairy ass than kiss you- it’s more attractive.”

Hermione lost it. Putting her hands under the table and screaming obscenities, she flipped it over, sending the glitter and paint jars flying. “I hate you, you asshole! Ahhhh!” Her screams echoed from the small back room, across the stage and through the theatre.

The room erupted in pandemonium. The Draco worshippers and the Hermione lovers took sides and began to fight with each other. Fists were flying and insults were being hurled.

Draco ran for cover. He almost fell over trying to get away from her as she sent fake presents and paper mache gumdrops whipping towards his head. Draco backed up in shock as she stepped over the mess and approached him, holding a huge strofoam candy cane like a bat, looking murderous.

She was almost upon him when a snowball soared through the air and smacked her dead in the face. The room went very still as she whimpered, wiping the melting mess from her eyes.

Draco looked up to see who his savior was and was surprised to see it was Ron Weasley.

“Someone had to calm her down,” he said. “Even though I hate you, Malfoy, no one deserves to be bludgeoned to death with a candy cane.”

“Ron! I can’t believe you did that!” Hermione wailed. “How could you!”

“How could I?” he asked in disbelief. “Everyday you come in here, barking orders and treating people like shit and… I hate to say this but Malfoy is much better at being in charge than you are! Everyone thinks so!”

Draco looked shocked, but pleased. He saw everyone- some reluctantly- nodding their heads in agreement. “Well, Granger,” he said arrogantly. “It looks as if the peasants have revolted and placed a new king on the throne- me.”

She stood there, snow melting down her face, seething with anger. “We were both put in charge of this fiasco, Malfoy and I won’t be taking orders from you!”

“Okay then,” he said as if trying to calm a disgruntled three year old. “But can I suggest on thing?”

Hermione really didn’t want to hear what this ‘suggestion’ was. Whatever it was, she knew it was going to piss her off. “What?” she snapped.

“Please, go get a fucking massage, take a pill or buy a vibrator… something, ANYTHING to relieve some of that stress you’re carrying around.” He cut her off as she was about to bite his head off. Leaning forward, he whispered rather loudly, “If you don’t care for vibrators, I can offer you a night of casual sex with me. I promise to go easy, you being a virgin and all.”

There was a deafening crack as Hermione’s hand connected with the side of Draco’s face. “You disgust me! Like I would ever let your very small flaccid penis anywhere near my vagina!”

There were snickers and a loud snort of laughter from Harry and a few others.

“She’s done it now,” Ginny said to Luna. “She’s gone and insulted his manhood.”

Draco smiled, her bright red hand print standing out on his pale cheek. “Small, eh?” he said, fumbling with his belt. “I’ll show you just what a huge monster it is”

Hermione gave a small squeek and covered her eyes. “Malfoy! Don’t!”

“Afraid it might turn you on, Granger? Scared you’ll take one look at it and never be able to stop thinking about the pleasure it could give you? Why not have a look? That way you can imagine it as you lay alone in your bed at night fingering your little virgin hole!” He did his trousers back up as she fled from the room, crying.

Everyone was either pretending to look at the floor, whispering to another person, or glaring at him. He actually felt kind of bad about what just happened, and for a brief second, thought about running after her. He decided against it. After all, he didn’t want to appear weak. “What the bloody hell is everyone just standing around for?” he shouted. “We have work to do! Clean up this mess! Get that scenery in place! Potter! You and Weasley are up. Let me see what you’ve come up with.”

Hermione ran from the theatre, down the hall and out the side door. She ran a few steps more, collapsing against the brick wall, taking huge gulps of frigid air. The tears were freezing to her eyelashes and her nose was starting to run, but she didn’t care.

Lifting her face to the darkening winter sky, she let the sparkling, light snowflakes drift onto her flushed skin. It looked so pretty, the way the snow was illuminated by the moonlight; all glittery, pure and white. It made her cry even harder.

The door opened and Fred came running out. “Are you okay?” he asked tenderly, wiping away her tears with his finger. “Malfoy is a prick. You shouldn’t let him get to you the way he does.”

She smiled gratefully at him. “I know I shouldn’t, but…”

“But, you can’t help it, can you?” he said, taking off his cloak and wrapping it around her shoulders. “You know he’s in love with you, don’t you?”

Hermione frowned up at Fred, shaking her head. “He doesn’t love me. He can barely tolerate my existence.”

He shivered and blew hot air into his cold hands. “He loves you. He just doesn’t know how to show it.” He sighed, wondering how to explain the inner workings of Malfoy’s mind. “He’s been brought up to hate people like you, so imagine how he felt when he found himself falling for you. He was probably scared, a little disgusted and more than a little disappointed that he wasn’t able to make those feelings just disappear.”

Hermione noticed he was shaking from the cold, so she moved closer and cuddled up to him.

Fred flinched, feeling a tad bit nervous for some reason. Sure he had hugged her before, but nothing ever this intimate. It felt very nice. He cleared the frog that had suddenly developed in his throat. “You see, he doesn’t want to love you, and it’s pissing him off that he can’t stop, so he’s lashing out with degrading remarks and anger in hopes that maybe he can force his feeling to be something other than what they are.”

He twirled a piece of her hair, loving the way it curled around her finger. “He’s also afraid that if he tells you that he loves you, you’ll just laugh in his face, and he’s not willing to face that kind of rejection.” Fred realized that he was not only talking about Malfoy now, but he was also talking about himself.

Hermione said, almost too softly to hear, “I think I love him you know.”

Fred’s heart plummeted, and he was glad her head was down so that she couldn’t see the hurt on his face. “Yes, I know. Anyone with one good eye can see that you two are crazy for each other.” He felt sick. How could she be in love with someone who did nothing but treat her worse than a dog? Couldn’t she see that there was someone else that loved her- someone who would treat her with respect and kindness- someone that at that very moment was holding her close?

“Would you do me a favor, Fred?” she asked, looking up at him.

“Would you talk to him for me?”

“Talk to him?” That was the last thing he wanted to do. “Sure. Anything for you.”

She embraced him harder, burying her head in his shoulder. He could feel her breasts pressed against his chest, and he hoped to God that she couldn’t feel his ‘growing’ desire for her. She looked up at him again, with the biggest brightest smile. Large, delicate snowflakes were falling in her hair, her cheeks were rosy and her eyes were sparkling- she looked so beautiful to him.

“You’re wonderful, you know that?” she said, and suddenly his lips were on hers, and she was kissing him. It was soft and sensual, and it made her head swim.

He stiffened, realizing what he had done and quickly pulled away. “I’m sorry! I don’t know what…” He was mortified.

Hermione, whose body was still tingling from his amazing kiss, waved it away. “You don’t need to apologize, Fred. We were just caught up in the moment.” She was wondering why he seemed so nervous and quickly cast aside the notion that maybe he somehow had developed feelings for her. “Um, so you’ll talk to him for me?”

Fred, who had thought maybe the kiss would bring her to her senses, sighed in defeat. “Yes. When did you want me to talk to him?”

“Maybe after rehearsal tonight?” She took Fred’s hand and pulled him towards to door. “I think the sooner the better, don’t you?”

He thought never was better. “Sure.”

She opened the door and gave him a peck on the cheek. “I’m not going back inside. I think I’ll just go home for the night.”

“Don’t want to face him, huh?”

“Would you?”

“I guess not.” He wanted to pull her close and kiss her, but he knew she would never let it happen again. She wanted Malfoy, not him. “I’ll take him for coffee tonight, and try to talk some sense into the little ferret.”

“Thanks, Fred. I owe you.”

He stood in the doorway after she Apparated home, breathing in the cold air, trying to get his feeling in check. For some reason, Hermione fancied Draco, God only knew why. He, Fred, was the complete opposite of Malfoy, so there was probably no way in hell she could ever love him. She was just so… so different from other woman, and he really couldn’t blame Draco for being in love with her. He just wished she had better taste in men.

“What?” Draco said, getting up to leave. He, Fred and George were sitting in the coffee shop around the corner from the theatre. At first, he had been wary of taking Fred up on his offer. After all, he was a Weasley, and Weasley’s were sneaky- especially this one.

“Sit down, Malfoy,” Fred said, pulling on his arm.

“I will not! How dare you accuse me of loving Granger!” He was trying with all his might to get out of Fred’s grip. “That is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard!”

There was a ripping sound as Draco’s sleeve was rent from his shirt. “Now look what you’ve done!” He aimed his wand at the tear and fixed it.

“You’re causing a scene, Malfoy,” George said. “Now sit back down and listen to what we have to say or we’ll kick your ass!”

Draco narrowed his eyes at them. He had never been good at Muggle fighting, and decided that listening to their nonsense was better than a black eye. “Fine!” he said, sitting back down and frowning. “I’ll hear you out and then I’m going to go home, have a good laugh and drink myself silly.”

George looked at Fred and shook his head. When his brother had told him that Hermione was in love with Malfoy, he had thought it a joke. After noticing that Fred wasn’t laughing… that he was dead serious, he began to think the girl wasn’t as smart as everyone thought her to be.

“So, as I was saying,” Fred said. “We know that for some time now you have had… shut up, and let me finish!” he said as Draco opened his mouth to protest. “You can deny it all you want, but that doesn’t change the fact that you love her and…” He swallowed hard, not liking the taste of the words. “She loves you.”

Draco looked as if he had been punched in the gut. “Wh… what did you say?” He was sure he had heard wrong. There was no way in hell that Hermione Granger loved him!

“I said,” Fred snapped. “That she loves you. Merlin knows why she would love a shit-head, fuck-tard like you, but she does!” He rubbed his temples, a sudden massive headache coming on.

George sat there, looking from a flabbergasted Malfoy, to his strangly jealous sounding brother. Could it be that he had missed the signs? Ignored the fact that Fred seemed to fancy Hermione? Nah! Couldn’t be! If he did, he would have told him- they never kept secrets from each other.

Draco, who wanted to believe more than anything that Granger did love him, was about to let his pleasure show, when the little voice inside his head told him that would be a terrible mistake. ‘It’s a trick you idiot!’ it said. ‘They’re trying to make you look like a fool. They hate you, remember?’

The twins were shocked when Draco stood up, brandishing his wand. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

“Do you honestly want me to answer that?” George said.

“I know what you’re doing.”

“What we’re doing?” Fred said, trying not to explode. “What we’re doing is trying to make Hermione happy. She wanted us to talk to you, to tell you how she felt…”

“You lie!” Draco shouted. The other patrons were looking over their shoulders at him, frightened. “You’re just saying this because you want me to go to her, tell her I love her too and then you lot can have a jolly laugh when she tells me to fuck off!”

“Malfoy…”

“Just shut the hell up Weasley! I won’t fall for this. I WON’T!” He chuckled though nothing was remotely funny. “Tell me that Granger loves me! Granger! You couldn’t have thought of some one more plausible?” He put on his cloak and turned to leave.

“Malfoy, wait!” Fred said, grabbing his arm. “What am I supposed to tell her?”

Draco paused but didn’t turn. “Tell her whatever you want, but don’t tell her I love her because that’s simply not true!” He wrenched his arm away and fled the coffee shop.

The twins looked at each other. “What a cowardly fucking prick he is!” George said, shaking his head. “Come to think of it, they’re both cowards! Hermione’s just as bad as he is.”

The waitress came over, chomping on her gum very loudly, slapped the bill on the table and told them ‘Happy Holidays’. George continued, “I can’t believe how totally stubborn they are!” He drained his cup, and pulled his hat down on his head. “This was a complete waste of time.”

“Now what are we going to do?” Fred asked, slipping on his gloves. He glanced out the front window and he frowned, not really wanting to venture out into the snow.

George thought for a second, and then a devious grin spread across his face. “I know exactly what to do.”


	2. 2

  
Author's notes: What do Fred and George have up their sleeves?  


* * *

A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed the first chapter!

Dress rehearsal the next day:

When Fred and George had told her that Draco had refused to believe him, she just about packed her bags and left the country. “I told you to talk to him, not tell him… Agh! Now what am I supposed to do, huh? How can I face him, when I know he knows?”

“But Hermione, you said you wanted me tell him!” Fred was beside himself with frustration. The last thing he wanted was for her to be angry with him. “I just did what you asked!” They were struggling to keep up with her racing pace as they walked down the hall.

“I never asked you to tell him that I loved him!” She slowed her steps, not wanting to reach the backstage room- where he would be waiting with that damn arrogant smirk plastered on his face. “I really don’t want to go in there…” she stopped outside the door, “I’m going to die of embarrassment…”

George suddenly grabbed her and shook her, her head snapping back and forth. “For Merlin’s sake woman, where’s your balls?” He let her go. “Snap out of it! Since when are you afraid of Malfoy?”

“Since you morons told him that I love him!”

The door swung open and stepped out into the hall. “Did I hear someone say they loved me?” Draco asked with a hint of arrogance. “Oh, Granger! I should have known it was you!” He gave the evil eye to the twins. “Seeing as I was informed by these nit-wits of your secret affections for me last evening.” He tore his gaze away and looked her up and down, sneering. “As if I would ever believe anything they said, and even if it is true, there is no way that I would ever love a Mudblood like you.” He was trying to look disgusted, but the scared, painful look in his eyes betrayed him.

Hermione looked as if she wanted to sink into the floor. Fred instinctively put his arm around her shoulder, and pulled her close. He noticed Draco flinch at this, and it made him smile.

“Malfoy, you’re a huge ass, do you know that?” George said, stepping up to him, his wand pointed at his face. “And a piss-poor liar!” He shoved him back in the room with all his strength and shut the door. They heard Draco fall over something, a string of swear words erupt from his mouth, some laughter and a few loud gasps.

“Smooth, George,” Fred said with a grin.

“Like hot butter on a bald monkey,” George said turning around, grinning back.

“What did you do that for?” Hermione asked angrily, pushing off Fred’s arm. “You could have hurt him!” She stomped over to the door, threw it open, and then slammed it behind her.

“That woman is utterly bonkers! He called her a Mudblood and she’s worried I might have killed him with my brute force strength. That’s the last time I defend a girl, I tell ya!”

“I can’t believe she likes him!” Fred said his face red with anger. “He’s a fucking asshole, and it just makes me sick to even think of him touching her when it should be m…” He stopped, suddenly aware he had probably said way too much.

George raised an eyebrow. “Is there something you want to tell me, brother?”

Fred opened his mouth, ready to tell all, but stopped. “No. Nothing.”

George noticed the hesitation. “Well, if you’re sure then.” He lowered his voice. “Are we still on for tomorrow?”

Actually, Fred was less than thrilled about George’s plan. “But we haven’t even tested the potion out yet, what if they go nutters and do something…”

“Something they’ve wanted to do for years? What’s wrong with that?” he asked Fred, suspicious. “Unless you don’t to do this because you want Hermione for yourself…”

Fred blinked. “That is most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Well then, let’s get this dress rehearsal thing over with and get back to the store. We’ve got work to do.” They walked into the room, encountering a shocking scene.

Hermione slammed the door behind her and saw Draco lying on the floor, blood running down his face and arms. He had fallen over a wooden reindeer; the sharp antlers had cut him very badly. Ginny and Harry had run over to help him up, but he was swearing at them and trying to get up by himself.

“Draco!” Hermione said, rushing towards him. “Oh, my…! Are you okay?” He mumbled something like ‘rust bucket grate’ and then he passed out. She knelt down, lifting his upper body from the floor. “You’ll be okay.” She looked around at the frightened faces. “Ginny, can you get me some ice or a very cold cloth or something?”

Ginny took off and the others just stood there watching as Hermione held his head in her lap and smoothed back his bloody pale hair form his forehead. She was very calmly saying his name, telling him she was there and that everything was going to be fine. Ginny returned with wet, cold cloth and Hermione tenderly wiped away the blood.

Ginny knelt down next to her. “Um… Hermione, I don’t think he’s breathing…”

Hermione stopped wiping. She looked at his chest, and it wasn’t moving. “Draco?” He took a shallow breathe and she relaxed. He was saying something; speaking so low that she had to lean in very close to hear him. “What did you say?” she whispered.

Suddenly, his arm shot up, he grabbed the back of her head and pulled her down, smashing his lips onto hers. Shocked, Hermione tried desperately to pry him off, but he just kept kissing her. This was NOT how she pictured her first kiss with him to be. It was supposed to be romantic and sensual- not forced and in front of a bunch of on-lookers!

Still… he tasted rather good. She decided to play his game- to shock him as well, and what better way to do that than to kiss him back? She stopped fighting him, and leaned into the kiss, parting his lips and sliding her tongue in, making a small moaning sound. His mouth froze, but soon he was attacking her mouth with the same passion she was giving him.

“What the bloody hell is going on?” George said from the doorway. Everyone, who had been staring at the unbelievable scene unfolding before them, jumped at George’s loud voice.

Fred pushed him aside and stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes wide, his jaw slack. “What the… he… they…” He couldn’t find the right words. “They’re snogging!” He started forward, but George held out an arm, holding him back. Fred turned away from the disgusting site long enough to glare at this brother.

“Leave them be, Fred.”

“But…” He looked over at the still kissing couple on the floor, growled angrily, but stayed put.

“This is what she wants- what they both want, Fred.”

Ron came strolling into the room, his arms laden with garland, which was dropped on the floor as soon as he saw his ex-girlfriend and Malfoy snogging. He caught Ginny eye, and she slowly stood up and walked over to him, reaching him just as Hermione and Draco broke their kiss.

“Ron,” Ginny said, touching him on the arm gently. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

Ron tried to cover up his anger and disappointment with a giant fake smile. “See what?” he asked her. “Oh, you mean Hermione snogging Malfoy?” He waved in their direction. “Like I care. She’s free to slip her tongue into anyone’s mouth she wants.”

“Ron…”

“I said I don’t care, Ginny!” he said through tightly clenched teeth. “Now help me with this garland will you?” He bent over to pick it up, and couldn’t help but glance Hermione’s way. ‘How the bloody hell can she find that smug bastard attractive?’ he thought. ‘Why am I angry anyway? I’m the one who broke it off with her. If she craves ferret love, then that’s her business!’ He scooped up the garland, giving Ginny half. “Let’s get this put up.”

He noticed that George was still holding Fred back. Fred looked like he was going to explode with anger and frustration- weird. In fact, Fred had been acting very weird lately every time Hermione’s name was mentioned. Ron wondered if his older brother was harboring some secret feeling for her. ‘No, that’s just plain creepy!’ he thought, walking past them, just as the two love birds started screaming at each other again.

They looked into each other’s eyes, neither one believing what just happened. Hermione’s fingers slowly came to her mouth, where she brushed them across her lips, the feel of his kiss still lingering there. Draco’s heart was beating so loudly, he was sure the entire room could hear it.

He was the first to speak. “This never happened.”

Hermione blinked her brow furrowing. “What?”

“You heard me, this never happened!” He slowly got to his feet, everyone scattered away, realizing this was not going to end in a good way.

“Never happened?” she shouted, jumping up. “There is an entire room full of witnesses, Draco! You can go right ahead and pretend that you didn’t kiss me, but…”

He rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Kiss you? I was passed out! I think it was you who kissed me!” He knew, as well as everyone in the room, that he was full of shit, but it didn’t stop him from trying to play it off like it happened the way he said it did. “Taking advantage of unconscious man. Really, Granger! How pathetic can you get?”

“Pathetic?” she asked, stalking towards him, her eyes flashing dangerously. “I’ll tell you what’s pathetic!”

She pulled out her wand and jabbed it into his chest. He backed up, his ass hitting a table. He had nowhere to go; he was trapped like a roach in a corner.

“What’s pathetic is man who is so damn afraid of his feelings that he runs from them like his ass is on fire! A man who, because he’s too scared to tell a woman that he loves her, is going to end up dying a lonely old man in a huge manor house covered in his own shit, regretting every second of his worthless life!”

Draco smirked at her, making her purse her lips in frustration. Clearly this was not the response she was hoping for. What did she expect? For him to announce that she was absolutely right, and for him to get on his knees and declare his undying love for her? Never!

“What about you, Granger? Are you woman enough to admit to my face that you love me instead of having two ginger-haired freaks do your dirty work while we cordially sip weak coffee in a run down, unsanitary café?” He glared at her. “Or was that all a joke… like I suspect?”

“I’ve had it with their damn arguing, haven’t you?” Ginny asked Harry, who was making sure the set was all in place.

“I tired of it long ago, Gin. Maybe someone should do something about it.”

“That’s exactly what I aim to do, dear Harry!” George said, walking past, dragging a ticked off Fred by the sleeve.

Ginny walked off the stage and headed straight towards Draco and Hermione. “Hey! Are we going to practice or what? The show is tomorrow and unless you want it to suck balls, I suggest we get a move on!”

They stood there, their eyes locked and their fists clenched. Hermione slowly lowered her wand. “You’re right Ginny, we need to get started with the rehearsal. If that’s okay with you?” she asked Draco.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” He pulled out his own wand and cleaned the blood from his arms. Already there were dark bruises forming, and he was afraid to see what his face looked like. She had wiped the blood away, but he could still feel the deep scratches on his cheek and forehead. ‘That Weasley jerk-off is going to pay for that!’ he thought. “Who’s up first?”

“That’d be you. You are the announcer for the night aren’t you?” Hermione asked. “And don’t forget we have to go over our skit a few more times. We’ve only practiced it once.”

Draco did remember, and there was a reason they had only practiced it once. He just couldn’t be that close to her for that long; he was afraid of what he might do. Their skit consisted of himself dressed as Father Christmas, sitting in a chair while Hermione, who was dressed as a little girl, sat on his lap and told him all the things she wanted for Christmas.

It great wanking material he had been using night after night. That short little red skirt with the crinoline underneath, her little ruffled knickers peeking out… he was getting a huge stiffie just thinking about it! “Yeah, whatever.” He dismissed her with a wave. She headed for the front row of the theatre and he took center stage.

Luna pranced onto the stage wearing a light fitting white leotard covered in sparkles. On her head was tied a giant snowflake, and she was tossing fake snow into the air while spinning around singing ‘Here comes Suzy Snowflake’.

“Flake is right,” Draco said under his breath.

“If you want to make a snowman

I’ll help you make one, two, three!”

She did some sort of strange dance move and then jumped in the air, clicking her heels together. Twirling and spinning, prancing and gyrating- it was a site to behold!

Draco wanted to throw up. She was hard to watch. Although her body wasn’t that bad in that tight outfit, and her hair looked nice with all that glitter hairspray in it, she was still a friggin’ nutter who danced like a cat with fire crackers up its ass.

“Here comes Suzy snowflake

Look at her tumblin’ down!”

She fell gracefully to her side, hitting her snowflake hat on the floor, knocking it sideways.

“Bringing joy to every girl and boy;

Suzy’s coming to town!”

She jumped up, danced a jig, threw some more fake snow and took a bow.

Everyone clapped except for Draco who motioned for Lee to close the curtain. ‘Thanks be to whatever god is out there that that nightmare is over!’ He shuddered as Luna ran past, glowing with happiness. “Next! Who the bloody hell is next?”

Hermione looked down at her clip board. “It’s Fred and George!”

The twins walked out, dressed in red turtlenecks and green trousers, with reindeer printed suspenders on. They took center stage and then Lee opened the curtain.

“Hey Gred!”

“Hey Feorge!”

“Wanna hear the best joke ever?” He snapped his suspenders loudly.

“Okay!” Fred said with a goofy, nerdy snort.

George grinned deviously. “Me and a few of my mates went to this new pub last night. Real nice place, but before we could go in, they owner said we had to present something ‘Christmassy’.” He gave the empty theatre a huge smile and then went on:

“Oliver searched his pocket and found some mistletoe, so he was allowed in. Lee handed him a cracker, so they let him inside the gate, and I…” He started to laugh, having a hard time spitting out the rest of the joke. “I slowly reached into my pocket and pulled out a pair of black lacy knickers.”

“But what do black lacy knickers have to do with Christmas?” Fred asked, trying to keep a straight face.

“They were Carol’s!” George said, and both guffawed, slapping each other on the back.

“I… I have one!” Fred said, trying to catch his breath. “This customer at the store told me this really happened to him last Christmas! He said he woke up after his Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and he couldn’t remember what had happened at the party. After going to the loo to piss, he went dowstairs to find his wife.

‘Honey, tell me what happened last night! Was it as bad as I think?’ he asked, rubbing his throbbing temples.

‘Even worse!’ she stated. ‘You made a complete arse out of yourself! You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company right to his face!’

‘He’s a jerk!’ my friend said to his wife. ‘Piss on him!’

‘You did!’ his wife said. ‘And he fired you!”

‘Well screw him!’ he said angrily.

‘I did!’ she said with a smile. ‘And you’re back to work on Monday!’”

They collapsed on each other in hysterics. Draco said it was enough and Lee closed the curtain, laughing his ass off at his friends.

As soon as the curtain closed, George grabbed Fred and they Aparrated to the joke shop.

“Are you sure we should be doing this?” Fred asked apprehensively. “I mean we don’t even know if this works or not. We could be wasting out time!”

“Oh, it’ll work!” George said, mixing a red-colored potion with a few drops of a green one. He swirled the beaker around, and then handed it to Fred. “I’ll be right back.”

Fred watched his twin step outside the shop and scoop up some snow in a little pewter bowl. He had a sickening feeling in his stomach about what they were about to do. He sniffed the potion. It smelled like cinnamon and holly berries with a hint of pine tree.

George came back in, snatched the beaker back and put in a spoonful of the newly-fallen snow. “Now, we need to heat it to a boiling, let it sit over night and then add the secret ingredient right before the show tomorrow.” His eyes were dancing merrily. “I can’t wait!” he exclaimed, pouring the potion into a small cauldron and lighting a fire under it with his wand.

“George…”

George looked up to see his brother looking back at him wearing an expression of pure agony. “What?” He frowned, getting annoyed. “Don’t tell me you’re too much of a chicken shit to go through with this! Look at this this way: whatever her reaction is, it’s what’s she wants… what she secretly wishes for. That’s what the potion is supposed to do.”

“But…”

“I know what this is all about!” George said with a devious grin. “You think you’re going to be disappointed when her Christmas wish turns out to be about Malfoy- not you!”

Fred blanched. “I told you before, I don’t fancy Hermione!”

“Have you forgotten who I am? That we shared a tiny space in our mother’s womb for nine months? I know you, Fred- maybe even better than you know yourself. I see the way you look at her, the way you cringe whenever she mentions his name. You’re jealous, admit it!”

Fred crossed his stubbornly and said nothing.

“You really are a git, you know that?” He headed for the stairs that led to their flat over the shop. “You never know, maybe she jump into your arms and snog the hell out of you. Anything’s possible! Now put out those flames and come have a shot of Firewhiskey with me!” He ran up the stairs, two at a time.

Fred stood alone in the room, listening to the potion bubble in the cauldron. George was right, maybe Hermione- deep in her heart- really preferred him to Malfoy and this potion would bring everything out into the open; then again, maybe it would backfire and she would run straight to Malfoy and never give him another thought. Was it a chance he was willing to take?

He extinguished the fire under the cauldron, stirred the potion a few times, and with a heavy sigh, headed upstairs to get plastered.

Christmas eve, the night of the show:

“I’m so bloody nervous!” Ron said to Harry. They were all gathered backstage and were listening to the theater fill up. “What if I trip? What if I throw up? What if…”

“What if I kick the shit out of you?” Draco said. He gave Ron a death glare and shoved him aside, searching the crowd for Hermione. “Oi! Granger!”

Hermione pushed her way towards him. “What?” She was sweaty and jittery, and very angry that Fred and George were late.

“Are those bastards here yet?” He looked for their flaming heads, but saw nothing but Ginny’s. “We start in five minutes!”

Suddenly they appeared from thin air right in front of Draco and Hermione, grinning, red-faced and carrying some bottles of liquor. “We’re here!”

“It’s about fucking time!” Draco spat.

George conjured a stack of paper cups. “Chill, Malfoy! Have a drink- or two!” He poured out the strange colored liquid into the cup and handed it to him. “Unless you’re not man enough…”

“A drink! I don’t think that’s a good idea!” Hermione said. “We don’t need a bunch of drunken people stumbling about on stage!”

“Oh come on Hermione! Just one little drink?” George begged. “We’ll even toast to you and Malfoy: the best directors the Ministry Christmas pageant has ever seen!”

Hermione looked around at her friends. They looked like sad dogs who were waiting to be euthanized. “Okay! But just ONE!”

Cheers went up as George handed out the drinks.

Fred was standing behind George, concealed from Hermione’s view. He was able to add the potion to her cup before handing it to her. He felt that sinking feeling in his gut as she took it from his hand and smiled at him. He watched her tip it to her mouth and wanted to run over, and smack it away.

Someone slapped him on the back, it was George. “Is it done?” he whispered

He turned to see her empty the cup and said, “It’s done.”

“Takes about an hour and a half for it to take effect, so that should be after the show has ended. Wouldn’t want anything to happen during the pageant, would we? That would be a disaster!” George took a swig from the bottle just as Draco announced that it was time

to start.

“How grand it feels to click your heels  
And join in the fun of the jigs and reels  
I'm handing you no blarney  
The likes you've never known  
It’s Christmas in Killarney  
With all of the folks at home!”

Seamus sang in a clear Irish tenor. He was actually very talented, and his was possibly the best skit in the entire show. He bowed to enormous applause and left the stage, the curtain closing. Everyone scrambled to get the set ready.

Draco walked onto the stage. “May I present to you the great tap-dancing abilities of Miss Parvati Patil, Miss Lavender Brown and Mr. Oliver Wood!”

Draco exited, the curtain opened and there were Lavender and Parvati, dressed in World War Two outfits- well something resembling them anyway; Draco doubted they wore tiny short skirts during the war.

He went in search of Hermione to make sure she was in costume, and found her helping Luna to tie her snowflake hat to her head. “Granger, why aren’t you dressed yet?”

“Draco, we’re the last act. I have time! You’re the one who takes forever to get into costume!” She sent Luna on her way wishing her luck. “Now just go awa…” she suddenly felt very dizzy. She fell into Draco, almost toppling them both over.

“What the hell…” He struggled to keep her up. “Granger!” She buried her face in chest and at first, he thought she was crying, but he soon realized she was laughing- giggling like a mad woman!

George and Fred, who had just walked around the corner, stopped in their tracks. “It’s working!” George said, excited.

“So soon?” Fred had that sinking feeling again. “But the show’s not over yet!”

George dismissed his panic with a wave of his hand. “It’s okay, this is just the first sign that it’s working.” Fred wasn’t too happy to see Hermione already falling all over Malfoy. “Oh, come on Fred! There’s still hope!”

Draco managed to pry her off, and led her to a chair while she giggled all the way. “Granger, what the bloody hell had gotten into you?”

She dabbed her eyes with her sleeve. “I think I might be drunk!”

“From one sip of alcohol?” he asked incredulously. He doubted that was her problem. He noticed the Weasley twins hovering nearby, one looking nauseated, the other almost dancing for joy. “Did you do something to her?”

“Why whatever do you mean?” George asked innocently.

“You lot look very suspicious! I…” He was interrupted by Lee Jordan yelling at him to get his ass over to the stage. After making sure Hermione was as fine as she could get, he gave the twins one last glare and went to announce the next act.

“Well he lives up in a mountain  
Like a hermit in the cave  
He never had a haircut  
He never took a shave  
The boogie woogie Santa Claus  
Boogie woogie Santa Claus  
Boogie woogie Santa  
Comes this time every Christmas day” 

Oliver, who was dressed as a big band musician wearing a Santa beard and hat, was taking turns swing dancing with Lavender and Parvati. All three started tapping for their big finish; shuffling and swinging their arms crazily.

”Well it's rock rock rock Mr. Santa  
Jump jump jump Mr. Santa!”

The boogie woogie Santa will bookie all your blues away!”

They finished, out of breath and sweaty. The curtain closed and they rushed from the stage, all smiles.

Harry, Ron and Ginny were next, their skit was boring; Ginny and Ron lie in an oversized bed, pretending to be little children while Harry read ‘The Night Before Christmas’ with all the gusto of someone reciting a eulogy at a funeral.

As soon as Draco announced them, he rushed back to see if Hermione was all right. She was nowhere to be found. “Did you see where Granger went?” he asked Luna, who blamed her disappearance on a Blibbering Humdinger.”

Draco just blinked, turned and continued looking for her, wondering how in the hell Luna Lovegood wasn’t locked up in a looey bin someplace. “Granger!” he yelled. No answer, but he thought he heard giggling coming from the closed door of the woman’s loo. He rapped on the door with his knuckles. “Granger? Is that you?”

“Yes, lover,” she said, in a sexy voice. “It’s me.”

Draco lifted his brow, his hand frozen in mid-knock. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. I’m just getting ready.” She giggled some more. “I’ve got a surprise for you, Draco…”

He cleared his throat, suddenly feeling a bit too warm. “A… a surprise?”

“Yes, and I just can’t wait to show you!”

“Are you going to show me now?” He had no idea what this was about, but he was intrigued. He had never heard her speak this way, it was… a turn on.

“Malfoy!” Lee shouted.

“Damn!” he said under his breath. “Granger? I have to go and announce Luna, but I’ll be right back!” She didn’t answer, so he reluctantly left and made his way onto the stage.

He had no luck finding her after he came back; she wasn’t in the loo and no one it seems had seen her. He even questioned a frightened looking Fred, who asked him strange questions about the way she had been acting. He told him nothing of course. He gave up looking and hoped she would somehow pull herself together for their skit. He was having a hard time concentrating, thinking about the ‘surprise’ she had hinted at. Was she serious? Or was she just joking around?

After announcing Fred and George, Draco ran to get his Father Christmas outfit on. He took his seat in his throne chair behind the closed curtain. Looking down, he noticed there was a huge fake present sitting off to his right. This wasn’t part of his set and he glanced around, wondering what else was wrong. The giant candy canes that went from the floor to the ceiling were in place, the sleigh filled with goodies was behind him, and the fake reindeer were hitched to it.

“Whatever!” he said, wondering where in the hell Hermione was. He hoped she wasn’t passed out somewhere drooling on herself. He would look like a complete idiot if she didn’t hurry up!

He heard Harry come out to loud applause and whistles and announce the act. Draco started to panic, his eyes darting around for her. He saw the Weasley twins arguing with each other, Parvati snogging Oliver Wood, but no Hermione. The curtain opened and he froze.

‘Oh, fuck! What am I going to do?’ He wanted to bolt from the stage, but his legs wouldn’t work. The theatre was dead silent, except for an occasional cough. All of the sudden, there were red and green spotlights on the stage and music…

Draco looked around, confused. There wasn’t supposed to be any music. He managed to lift a leg and was about to high-tale it off the stage, when the lid on the over-sized gift at his feet flew off and a scantily clad Hermione Granger popped out of it.

She stepped out of it, slowly. Her red and white see-through teddy swaying beneath her thong covered ass. She had a white boa wrapped around her neck and red patent leather high heels on her feet. Her hair was up in a mass of curls loose strands fell in tendrils around her face. Her lips were pouty- and red, her eyes alight with lusty mischief.

“Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me  
I've been an awful good girl  
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight”

She walked behind him, pressing her breasts against the back of his head, singing sensually in his ear.

“Santa baby, an out-of-space convertible too, light blue  
I'll wait up for you dear  
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight”

She slowly pulled off the boa and wrapped it around his neck. Pulling his head back, she kissed him passionately.

Draco’s mind was a spinning. ‘This is not happening!’ Her lips and tongue felt so damn good! She slowly released his mouth from the kiss, sucking on his bottom lip, and walking in front of him, she took off the robe part of her teddy, leaving her standing there in a matching set of lacy red thongs and push-up bra.

“Think of all the fun I've missed  
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed  
Next year I could be oh so good  
If you'd check off my Christmas list  
Boo doo bee doo”

She gyrated in front of him, tossing the robe at him, where it landed on his head. He absently took it off, his eyes never leaving the erotic sight before him. The crowd was cheering and making shocked comments, but he heard none of it.

“Santa honey, I wanna yacht and really that's  
Not a lot  
I've been an angel all year  
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed  
To a platinum mine  
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight”

She turned, shook her ass in his face and then she grabbed hold of one of the candy cane poles and swung around, her hair coming loose. She hooked her leg around it and turned upside down, looking right at him.

“Santa baby, I'm filling my stocking with a duplex, and checks  
Sign your 'X' on the line  
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight”

Draco wanted to jump from the chair, rip those slutty knickers from her body and fuck her right there on the stage- in front of everyone! She spun around, planted her feet on the ground, spread apart, her arms above her head, gripping the pole.

“Come and trim my Christmas tree  
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's  
I really do believe in you  
Let's see if you believe in me  
Boo doo bee doo”

She reached behind her back and unhooked her bra, flinging it into the audience. She took a few steps towards him and then leaned in, her hands on his thighs, her lips close to his. Draco had a fleeting image of the theatre getting an eye full of Hermione almost-bare ass before she turned and sat in his lap.

Her hair was in his face, her hips grinding and undulation on his raging hard-on. She swung herself around, so that she was kneeling in his lap, her tits at mouth level- he wanted to flit his tongue over them- make her moan.

She laid her upper body back, her head almost touching the floor. He held onto her hips as she rubbed herself on him, He pulled her up roughly, coming face to face, their eyes locked onto one another hungrily.

“Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring  
I don't mean a phone  
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight”

Draco attacked her mouth and the curtain closed, plunging them into semi-darkness. “I love you,” he heard her say, as she laid her head on his shoulder. Those words hit him like a ton of bricks.

“Hermione!” Ginny’s voice came from somewhere far away. She wished for it to go away and leave her alone- alone with the man she loved.

“Hermione!” Ginny grabbed a hold of her arm and pulled her out of Draco’s lap. “What the hell was that?”

Hermione was feeling dizzy again and she shook her head, trying to clear it. “What the hell was what? What are you talking about?”

Ron pushed to the front of the crowd. “Are you mad? Look at you! Look at what you’re wearing- or not wearing! I can’t believe you just did a striptease and gave Malfoy a lap-dance in front of a packed theatre!”

Fred looked over at George angrily.

Hermione looked down at herself, and then over at Draco, who was sitting there, stunned. Horror dawned on her face and she ran from the stage, trying to cover herself.

“I told you this was a bad idea!” Fred said loudly, making everyone turn around. “I knew we should have never given her that potion!”

Draco got up, “What are you talking about?”

“Since you and Hermione were being so damn stubborn about your feelings for each other, George came up with this plan…” George elbowed him in the ribs.

“What plan?” Draco asked stalking towards them. “What plan, damn it?”

“We invented this potion,” George said deciding to come clean. “It’s supposed to make your Christmas wish come true.” He sighed, rolling his eyes. “How were we to know that Hermione wished more than anything to give Malfoy a lap-dance? I never would have thou…”

Draco hauled off and punched George in the mouth, sending him falling into Fred. “I can’t believe you, and people accuse me of being a bastard!” he said and took off to find Hermione.

Hermione fled down the hall, grabbing someone’s heavy cloak off the table as she ran past. She just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. The thought that all of those people had seen her naked and humping Mallfoy like a horny bitch was too painful to fathom.

‘Why?’ she thought ‘Why would I do that?’ she reached the side door and stopped, hearing people on the other side.

“Can you believe that?” A woman said. “I never thought Hermione Granger was such a slut!”

“Well, I did,” said a man. “This one time back at Hogwarts…” the voice trailed away as they walked past.

Hermione leaned on the door, tears rolling down her face. She was never going to be able to show her face again. She knew she’d have to leave the wizarding world and return to the Muggle one, never to return!

She listened for more people passing by, heard nothing, and so she opened the door, stepping out into the freezing night air. Somewhere down the block, church bells began to ring. It was midnight, Christmas Day.

The door opened behind her and out stepped Draco, still dressed as Father Christmas. “There you are!” he said, walking towards her, ripping off his beard and hat.

Draco was the last person she wanted to see right now. How much fun he was going to have with this! She knew he was never going to let her forget this! “Malfoy…” was all she got out before he was kissing her, lifting her off the ground and spinning her around.

He let her down just as the clock struck twelve. “It’s Christmas,” he said looking at the star-filled sky. He felt strange- as if he was dreaming all this.

“I know,” she said, joining him in looking at the stars. She took his hand in hers and squeezed. “Look! The Christmas star!” she said, pointing to the brightest star in the sky. “Aren’t you going to make a Christmas wish?”

He pulled her into his arms. “You are my Christmas wish,” he said and they kissed, a sudden gust of chilly wind making the snow swirl around their feet.

 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to JK Rowling.

Additional Discalimer: I have no idea who those Christmas songs belong to, but I give credit to who ever you are. The jokes are jokes that have been around forever. I just changed them up a bit.


End file.
